grieving for what will never be.

OK, I'm sobbing right now. I don't know why I picked now to start blogging again, after over a month of silence... I guess I just need some extra help in processing some stuff. Writing out my feelings always helps me feel better.
I've been ravenously researching adoption lately. For hours at a time, some days. Because I've learned that due to a number of factors, it is very unlikely that Tim and I will ever be able to have biological children of our own. It would take a lot of very expensive medical intervention to even try. For a long time (ever since we got married, in fact) I've been kind of in denial about that. I thought we'd just save up and find a way. But the fact is, even if I was able to get pregnant, it would almost definitely be a difficult and high-risk pregnancy, with a high chance of losing the baby, due to my numerous lifelong hormonal problems.
I'm finally coming around to face reality on that topic. It helped when I ran some tests for my naturopath and discovered I'm not even ovulating right now. That was a cold wake up call.
But I'm grieving a lot. I'm grieving the loss of what will never be. The child we most likely can never have, who has my eyes and Tim's curly hair. Who will inherit some of our little quirks and peculiarities. Who carries some of our family traits. Who has my artistic bent, and Tim's passion for Truth. I'm grieving for that child, shedding a lot of tears lately. Tim has been so good and understanding to me. I feel like I see little children and babies and pregnant women everywhere I look. Every time I go to the store, I see all the little children in the shopping carts, and I love them. My heart aches with how much I love them... and how much I want one of my own. Sometimes I have to look away because my eyes start to fill with tears.
But my love for the children in the shopping carts also gives me hope. I can love, fiercely and passionately as a mother should, a child who is not biologically my own. I really don't care what my future children will look like. I love all the shopping cart children, no matter their hair or skin color. I think all of them are so precious and adorable and kind of wish I could take one home. But I know those children already have parents who love them. But I also know that somewhere out there, someday, will be a child just as precious, who doesn't have a family to care for him or her. And someday, when we're ready, after I've finished grieving for what cannot be and have moved on in my heart, God will bring that child into our lives.

Forget the day number thing. I've missed enough days that it feels kind of dumb.
Well, I found out why I've been so tired. I have Mono, AND Addison's Disease, AND Hypothyroidism. Triple whammy. And, it's not healthy to push myself to exercise when dealing with this level of exhaustion and illness. So I'm temporarily postponing the 100 days of exercise thing. I'll try to keep up with the blogging, but I'm not promising anything. Basically I need to give myself license to rest and just rebuild and focus on getting better. Dr. Doug Leber (a friend of a friend) diagnosed me using electro-dermal scanning, which has been proven to be very accurate and is widely used in Germany and Europe, but (naturally) is not widely recognized here in the States. And Dr. Leber is only in town for a short visit, then he's heading home to Texas. And my local N.D. is insisting on doing all her own tests, so it will be early December before I get an action plan from her. Which is kind of scary because having Addison's means my adrenal glands are not working. They're dead or dying. And the adrenals are very important, they control blood sugar, mineral balance in the blood, energy and how the body responds to stress, and more. I need to be on adrenal hormone replacement. Most Addisonians need to be on adrenal hormone replacement for life. If I get in a stressful or emergency type situation when I'm not on hormone replacement, I'm at risk for having an Addisonian Crisis, which can lead to coma or even death as my body can't depend on cortisol and/or adrenaline from the adrenals, to deal with the crisis. And the mono and other problems I'm dealing with are already a further stress on the adrenals. Lord, help me to have patience! It's hard to believe I have to wait at least another month and a half before getting the medication I need. Well, maybe we'll be able to find a way around this. There has to be some way of making this doctor see the urgency of the situation. We did send off a blood spot and saliva test that we ordered independently, before we saw the doctor. Maybe when we get the results of that back, it if it's clear enough that my cortisol levels are dangerously low, the doctor will agree to start me on some kind of replacement, even before she gets the results of her tests back and figures out a grand master plan of treatment.

Crazy Day!

Day 41
Today on the way home from church, I was starting to stress a little because I had a gig at 2 and with one thing and another, it was already 1:20 and the gig is about a 15 minute drive away! So I was looking at about 15 minutes to throw my kit in the car and change clothes, before heading to the gig! We stopped for gas... and after Tim filled up my car, it would not start up again. It just died! (he suspects spark plugs or something like that). Grr. And we only have one car. We had to walk the remaining four blocks home, then I had to totally re-pack my kit so that it would all fit in a backpack, so my husband could take me to my gig on his motorcycle! It was rather crazy. I had never had to use such a small kit before! I had to call them and explain the situation and let them know I'd be about 15 minutes late. I managed to fit all the important stuff, somehow.
It was a very fun birthday party, very chaotic but a good time. Freezing cold but sunny, out in a park. I got to try out several faces I hadn't done before, including the full-face Spongebob someone posted on the online face painting forum (facepainthq@googlegroups.com) a while ago! I didn't have a picture of it, but I remembered it. I hate doing the Spongebob cheek art, so when a boy asked for the cheek art version, I suggested the full face and he went for it! He and everyone else loved it, though it is such a face-transforming design (with the big eyes and wide smile and all) that several people said it was kind of scary looking... and the other kids started calling him "SpongeBob CreepyPants"! He loved it. I also did several masks and eye designs and fun stuff... but not one butterfly, princess, Spiderman, or batman!
It was a great time. I ended up having to stay late to finish everyone, and I was just going to count it as my fault for taking my time and making the faces really nice and elaborate... but the family insisted on paying me for an extra half hour. I agreed because the uncle really wanted to pay, as a way of chipping in for the birthday gift for his niece! He even drove to the bank to get cash for me!
It was a very fun time, very memorable especially since the birthday girl was one of my most faithful customers all summer at the farmer's market, and she's been talking all summer about how much she wanted me to come to her party!
Here's two pictures...
One of SpongeBob CreepyPants (he slobbered a little and messed up his lips... but you get the idea)
and my very first skull ever, painted at the farmer's market last week. I suggested a more "girly" skull, but nope, she wanted to go for scary. I wasn't entirely happy with it and will change it a bit next time (i.e. eye sockets not quite so round, and make the cracks more subtle), but she was delighted.
I love this business!

Prepare to Dye!

Day 40
I am seriously thinking of dying my hair with henna. I have been admiring photos of gorgeous hair on www.hennaforhair.com off and on all day, and think it could be a lot of fun. I might enjoy doing something different. The only permanent thing I've ever done to my hair is that I got it highlighted with blonde before my wedding. Naturally, it's a light ash brown, with a little bit of golden and red highlights. It's not a bad color, in fact I rather like it. But, it could be fun to do something different. Or, I might hate it. I really don't know. What if it turns out bright orange? What color do I even want, really? I love the pictures of bright burgundy hair I've seen, but how would hair like that look on me? Would it look really weird and fake? Would I look like Ronald McDonald? Or would it be really gorgeous? It's so hard to know. I think I'll probably eventually do it. I'm just trying to screw up my courage, and imagine myself with either light auburn, or flaming red hair. Wow.

Day 39
Blah. I'm exhausted. Face painted at the farmer's market all afternoon.
Going to bed now.
Good night.

Day 38
I actually feel pretty good today, all things considered. I'm amazed... I haven't gone a day without taking some kind of supplements, since 1997. They've sort of become like a security blanket for me... taking a mouthful of vitamins or something once or twice a day is like a comforting little ritual to banish the ever-present subconscious fear that someday I might revert back to the poor health of my teens... no energy, listless like a zombie, gazillions of allergies, asthma. But apparently I am made of stronger stuff than I thought. At least I haven't totally fallen to pieces in just three days. Actually, in some ways I've actually felt better. I'm tired at night, and seem to be going to sleep faster. I'll have to remember that... apparently something I was taking was giving me extra energy at night, when I don't need it. My brain is still pretty fuzzy though. I've had to ask Tim to remind me about some things... he's so considerate, bless his heart, that he doesn't want to nag me or feel like he's treating me like a parent or something... he'd rather let something go and just not get done, or do it himself, than have to remind me. He is careful to always treat me respectfully, as a full equal. So I've asked him to please go ahead and remind me, because sometimes there are things I really did mean to do, and I'll feel bad if he does it, it just slips my mind because my brain is kind of clouded feeling right now. It is kind of a weird sensation because usually I have a near-photographic memory.
But anyway, let's focus on the positive here.
I did go for a bike ride down to the mini-mall nearby, to mail a box at the little postal store. It was a gorgeous day, sunny, but very crisp and cold. Autumn is definitely in the air.
I think one of the reasons I've felt so good today is because I've spent much of the day reading. Reading almost always makes me feel better. Maybe it's simply the escapism of it... I get to leave my discomfort and problems behind for a while when I immerse myself in a good story. That's why I read so many books in my teens. Now I'm grateful, in a way, because that illness when I was young has made me into a better-educated and well-read person now as an adult. Anyway, right now I'm reading the second Twilight book, "New Moon", by Stephanie Meyer. It is very suspenseful. No, I'm not going to turn into one of these crazy girls that are mad about Twilight and swoon over Edward or Jacob. I already have my own wonderful, amazing, fully human man, and I have no desire to fantasize over any kind of handsome monster, or other man, for that matter. But I do like to keep tabs on bestselling fantasy fiction. These books are very masterfully written. I actually think that New Moon is better written and in some ways more realistic and believable than Twilight.
OK now I'm going to go finish reading it. :-)

Day 37
Blah. My second day off all my supplements and I'm starting to feel like a zombie. My brain is all fuzzy and it's hard to focus on things and I lose my train of thought or get distracted a lot. Blah. Anyway, I did get my exercise in today. I took our car in for an oil change, and it was only a few blocks away from a fresh produce stand, so rather than sit in the waiting room and read old copies of "Sports Illustrated" or "Business Week" (Somehow car dealerships never seem to have copies of magazines I'd actually enjoy, like "Better Homes and Gardens", "Sunset", or "Martha Stewart Living".) Anyway, rather than read stale old guy-magazines, I decided to walk to the fruit stand and go shopping. I got a couple bags of very nice fresh apples, some pears, a jug of fresh-squeezed apple cider, and some miscellaneous vegetables for the kitchen. I'm really enjoying my new habit of only eating fruits that are in season. Apples certainly taste better now, in the autumn, than they do in the spring or summer, when they have to be flown in from New Zealand or somewhere. Maybe it's that the ones that are in season now are locally grown and fresher. Anyway, I am excited to make an apple-pear crisp tomorrow, and Tim was already raving about the cider. It really tastes like biting into a fresh apple. I ended up getting so much stuff at the fruit stand that I couldn't carry it all back to the Chevy dealership, and had to ask them to keep it for me while I went and got my car.

Day 36
I really need to start writing in here earlier in the day. Lunchtime would be good. If I actually ate lunch. Most days I eat breakfast around 11 or so (my stomach takes a couple hours to wake up, before I feel like eating), so I'm not hungry again until around 3 in the afternoon. But anyway, whenever I eat lunch, it would be good to write my blog post then, instead of waiting until the very end of the day when I'm tired and just want to go to bed.
Today I've been doing some fantasizing about a way I'd like to expand my Party Art business. I want to come up with some creative carnival type games! It would especially be cool to come up with some one-of-a-kind games that have more of a built-in prize for them, so I don't have to start giving out candy. It bothers my conscience to give out candy to kids because it's SO bad for their health now, and building a habit of eating candy a lot now will be bad for their health all the rest of their lives, too. I don't want to contribute to the epidemic of obesity and diabetes and other problems linked to eating too much refined sugar.
So anyway, here are a few ideas I came up with. I'll try to describe them, since of course I don't have pictures yet.
Remember those sticky hand things that you used to be able to get in candy machines? Stretchy and sticky? Well I found a larger version on a website, with a black plastic handle so you don't have to touch the sticky part. Here's my idea. I get a big box and decorate it. In the bottom of the box I put a layer a couple inches deep of inexpensive stickers (you can get nice colorful stickers for like two cents each on some of the websites I found). Then the kids stand around the box and get to go "fishing" for a sticker, using the sticky hand! Wouldn't that be fun?
Here's another idea. I make a board with a stand, and drill holes in it the right size, so I can stick lots of pencils in the holes on this board. Fun, colorful type pencils. And maybe some lollipops in there too. (I found some that are sugar-free!) Then the kids throw rings at the board, and whatever pencil or lollipop they throw their ring around, they get to keep!
I had another idea too, not sure yet how it would work out... Another big box, like the sticker thing... only put a bunch of inexpensive plastic animals or dinosaurs in there. Then they get one of those animal mouth things, where you have an animal mouth on a stick, which you can work with a trigger... I saw one that was a T-Rex head, that would be perfect... and the kid is blindfolded, and has to try to "catch" an animal in the box, using the T-Rex head! Then they get to keep the animal!
This evening Tim and I watched a great video by Rick Green of the Torch of Freedom Foundation, about Ronald Reagan and the Truth about the Eighties. It was awesome, and some of Reagan's speeches brought tears to our eyes.
Today, I'm grateful for our country. I'm grateful that we were great in the past, in many ways we are still great, and in the future, we have the opportunity to make the right choices and be even greater still. God Bless America. And please Lord, raise up another Ronald Reagan! We need good leadership, real statesmen, that can inspire and educate and accurately articulate the principles and ideals which will make this country great!

Day 35
My mind is blank. I don't feel like writing. I am tired. I want to go to bed. I'm stiff and sore all over but I haven't really done much of anything all day. Except I did go on a bike ride to the park with Tim. That was fun. He does a great job of motivating me to exercise, by offering to do things with me. My appetite was also very low today.
The conference was great. I learned a lot. So much that I'm not going to try to summarize anything here. I took notes, but I didn't do any journaling at all, not one word. It was hard to budget my energy so as not to exhaust myself. We did pretty well at that. Tim was very caring and sensitive to my needs. I am not as exhausted today as I have been before after a weekend conference.
Today I decided that I should go off all my supplements for the week. All of them. Because I'm doing a saliva and blood spot test the end of the week to check my adrenal, thyroid, and estrogen/progesterone levels, and I want a good honest baseline. I want to know where I'm really at, and then we'll be better able to gauge if the supplements are helping me or not.

Day 31
I just remembered that I forgot to say something I was thankful for, the last two posts. So, I'll list two things right now, before I forget.
I'm thankful for my wonderful Tim working hard and letting me stay home and not go to work.
I'm thankful for black licorice. (I love the stuff, I'm eating about a box of it every couple days!)

OK that was kind of random.
Today was another very short day. I didn't sleep well last night, I lay awake for nearly an hour and a half. Finally I took a homeopathic sleep aid, these lozenges called "Moon Drops". I fell asleep about 15 minutes after taking those, but I slept pretty lightly and kept waking up partially and tossing and turning. For some reason I seem to sleep better in the morning, i.e. between 7-10am. Today I slept in until noon. And I still didn't have any energy all day. I worked some on my website, did a little laundry, went and got a massage (that was WONDERFUL) and worked on packing for our trip to Portland this weekend. I won't be able to post in my blog while I'm gone, so I will plan on writing in my journal every day that I'm away.
Today I'm thankful that God's grace is made perfect in my weakness. I simply can't do everything on my own... it's a good reminder to lean on Him.

Day 30
I whole month of blog posts! Wow. I should reward myself somehow. I'll have to think about that.
I spent most of today working on re-doing my website for my party business. And it's still not done. And I had some very deep and wonderful thoughts earlier today, that I was thinking I should write about in my blog. And of course, I can't remember them now. Such is life. I'll have to remember to grab a pen and paper and jot some notes next time.
And now it's past my bedtime. Good night.

Day 29
I walked to Blockbuster to return Finding Nemo. It was a cool, blustery fall day.
I did some work on my new website.
Sarah came over and we worked on projects together for a couple hours. I made some cards.
It was pouring down rain when she left. Torrential downpour.
I made meatloaf for dinner. Tim loved it. I thought it was too dry. Maybe I'll make gravy to have with the leftovers.
I'm exhausted and going to bed now.

Day 28
Another slow day. I didn't feel too bad, just nauseous and didn't have enough energy to do much. I went to the chiropractor, then went out to lunch at a little Chinese place close by. It wasn't that great, I won't go there again. I did buy the supplements that the chiropractor recommended for me based on my nutritional consultation thingy. Hopefully those will help.
I took a nap for a couple hours this afternoon. When I woke up, Tim suggested we go hot tubbing at the YMCA. It was a great idea, and felt very good. In the car on the way back, I read Ted Dekker's White to Tim, we were on the last few chapters... so I brought the book into the house and kept reading until I finished it. It was excellent. Now I want to read some of Dekker's other books that are related to the Circle trilogy... he has two other series of books that are interwoven with the circle trilogy books, the Paradise trilogy and the Lost Books series.
The rain seems to have finally come. Tim thinks this is the real start of the rainy season. It's kind of weird... I don't really mind. I mean, I enjoy the sunshine, I love sunny days; but I don't really mind rainy ones. I noticed something interesting this summer... I heard way more people complaining about it being hot, than rejoicing about the sunshine. I think that in their heart of hearts, most Seattleites distrust the sun. It's an odd, alien presence and we aren't used to it. We bask in it and enjoy the warmth, but we also slather ourselves in sunscreen (well, a lot of people do, not me) and buy more sunglasses per capita than any other city in the U.S... because we just aren't sure about those weird alien rays. We're much more comfortable with our familiar gloomy grey weather. At least it's predictable. And it sure is cozy to curl up in a coffee shop in that kind of weather, and enjoy a hot beverage while reading a book or magazine or socializing.
So farewell to summer, I for one shall miss you, but hey, fall and winter aren't so bad either.
LOL Tim is very prepared. He even put Rainex on my windshield for me this morning, in preparation for the rain.
I've decided to add something to my blog every day: a daily gratitude. Something I'm thankful for.
Today I'm thankful for my wonderful hubby and how he takes such good care of me. :-)

Day 27
Today was a fun day, but a very short day. I'll explain in a minute.
We were late for church, but at least we did go, and got there in time for the singing, so that was good. :-) Pastor Brad was preaching about waiting on God, and how we are not supposed to sit on our hands while waiting, but rather spend the waiting time doing God's work, whatever He has called us to do and put in front of us, while we continue to wait for the rest of His will to be made clear; and to pray and spend time in His word while we wait. To wait actively. It was a very good reminder, for sure. Right now I'm waiting for healing, and I definitely need to spend more time waiting on God during this time, spending time with Him.
After church we went to Office Depot to pick up a few things, but I was really starting to feel weak and tired and nauseous, and my headache from yesterday had come back on the way to church, so we came home (I wasn't hungry for lunch but I ate most of Tim's curly fries from the lunch he got at Arby's on the way home... I love Arby's curly fries) As soon as we got home I went to bed. And that's why the day seems so short. I slept like the dead until 6 pm. While I slept, Tim changed the oil in his motercycle and did a bunch of work for one of his clients. When I finally woke up, he told me he had really missed me! I was "gone" for so long. I did feel much better after the nap, the headache was eased and the nausea was gone, leaving me feeling just weak. He did a little research online and found a spot nearby on Google Maps where he thought we'd have a great view of the sunset, so we drove out there and "parked" for a while and watched the sunset, with my head on my beloved's shoulder. It was very beautiful indeed. Then I read our book out loud to him for a little while. We've been working our way through Ted Dekker's Circle Trilogy, Black, Red, and White, for several months. We're now on the last few chapters of White. These are incredible, meaningful, suspenseful books! I've been reading them aloud to him whenever we have a long car ride together (anything over 10-15 minutes). After a little while it got too dark to read, so we drove home and I read to him some more while he made dinner for me (an Amy's roasted vegetable no-cheese pizza, which he topped with sliced Hebrew National hot dogs for protein before putting it in the oven. And after dinner we cleaned up and I took my supplements and here I am! I think I'll go take a nice long bath before bed. Yeah, that sounds nice. :-)

Day 26
I had a wonderful day with my Tim today! We spent almost the whole day together. Except he went and had his hair cut, and I didn't tag along for that, lol. But we ran some errands and went to the park at Bothell Landing and tossed a frisbee around (that counts as my exercise for the day!) and then went up on the old wooden bridge and watched the ducks and looked at the ripples on the water and kissed a lot :-). And we went to a fun African import shop and looked at all the cool stuff, and I picked out a cowrie shell necklace for Tim. He looks like a surfer dude when he wears it. Very handsome. And I got a handmade market basket from Ghana, it's really pretty and roomy. I'm going to use it as a bike basket. We figured out how to attach it to the front of my bike with some cable ties. We also did a bunch of grocery shopping and then we rented Finding Nemo and watched it. Tim had never seen it before, and I knew he would love it and he did. LOL I know we're a little weird watching an animated kids' movie as a date movie, but hey, we've never claimed to be normal. My energy levels have been pretty good today, definitely a trend toward the better. I've had a headache that comes and goes, and some nausea, but was able to distract myself and had a really good day!
And now I wrote my blog post so can I go to bed now? Thanks.

Day 25
Today I had my face painting and temporary tattoo booth at the farmer's market. It was a lot of fun, quite a bit more busy than last time, and not too hot out, thankfully.
Tim rode his motorcycle out to help me set up and tear down, bless him. After he helped me pack it all up (boy is it getting dark sooner now than it was just a few weeks ago!) we walked around the boardwalk and looked at the reflection of the moon and stars and city lights rippling on the water. It was very lovely. And I'm counting that as my walk for the day. :-)
And now I'm exhausted and going to bed.
Here's a picture of the design I painted on my face today. Tim just took the picture in the kitchen, and if I look kind of dazed, it's just because I'm tired, lol. It looked a lot better when I had pink and gold lipstick with it, but I had sushi for dinner before we came home and all the lipstick went away. Ah well. Now I'm going to go wash it off and go to bed. :-)

Dangerous Optimism

Day 24
When I felt so good yesterday, I really wanted to believe I'd turned a major corner and would rapidly be regaining strength. I wanted to believe things would be getting back to normal soon. . Soooo, instead of listening to my body telling me not to overdo it, I listened to my optimistic mind saying "You'll be fine! Most of this illness has probably been in your head anyway! Don't worry about it!"
I think in this case, pessimism would be much healthier.
As it is, I tried to do too much and ended up exhausting myself. I changed the sheets and rearranged some of the bedroom decor and printed my writing assignment up and got it all ready for mailing and got another package all ready for mailing too, then rode my bike down to the postal store nearby and mailed them, then did some window shopping, then rode my bike home and answered a bunch of email and researched Fibromyalgia online (no, I've decided that doesn't really sound like what I have) straightened up the kitchen and cooked dinner and ... yeah, I was exhausted by the time Tim came home from work. After dinner I started feeling so weak and shaky I couldn't even finish cleaning up from dinner and just had to go lay down. I didn't even read. But I wasn't sleepy, just completely worn out. So I just laid down and looked at the wall for about 45 minutes and let my mind wander.
So OK, I learned my lesson. From now on I'll be a pessimist when it comes to my energy and strength. Instead of thinking "I am superwoman! I can do anything I set my mind to!" and wearing myself out, I shall think "Nah, I probably don't have enough energy to do that. I'd better not risk it. I'll just do the essentials and then go curl up with a cup of tea and a book". Long term, that will probably give my body more of a chance to heal. And who really cares if I get all the housework done today, if I'm sick in bed for all of next week as a result? What kind of sense would that make?

The Wonder of Normalcy

Day 23
Don't get me wrong. I have never wanted to be normal. I have always aspired to be more, do more, go above and beyond, do incredible things with my life. But after weeks of feeling absolutely rotten, just getting myself up to feeling "normal" is truly a wonderful thing. I felt normal today. A little tired, but I usually feel that way, have for years. But today, no headache, very little pain, and actually some energy! It was so very cool. I even got caught up on the laundry. How very nice and normal. No, I didn't grab hold of this amazing day to go on a twenty-mile bike ride or finish my novel, or even to send in my writing assignment or finish my wedding thank-you notes (been married a year now)... but I did get caught up on the laundry, and yes I do feel good about that, thank you very much. And I went on a little walk outside. Just a little one. Because I'm a little terrified of wearing myself out again and being sick for weeks again. So I'm being careful. Because I've found that when you're used to feeling horrible, feeling normal can be a wonderful thing. Yes, I'll still write the Great American Novel someday soon and save the world in some way or other, but hey, baby steps. Today, the laundry. Tomorrow or someday later, freeing all the enslaved children in the world. I'm working up to it gradually.

The Discipline of Writing

Day 22
Here I am again on my private little blog. It's private because I haven't told many people about it or invited them to read it. Pretty much just my best friend Sarah, and that's just because I mentioned it in passing and she got all excited and wanted to read it.
The main reason I haven't invited anyone: because I'm embarrassed to have anyone read it. This is certainly not my best writing. It's junk, in fact. Usually I'm writing when I'm not feeling very well, and I'm only writing to keep my resolution to write every day. In a way it reminds me of a (possibly apocryphal) story I heard about Beethoven (or maybe it was Mozart? I get those German composer dudes mixed up sometimes...) A friend asked him why he wrote so many songs (which he never published or used.) He said he was getting all the junk out of his head so he could get to the good music sooner. I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm writing down a bunch of crap that I hope nobody ever reads, just for the sake of getting into the habit of writing something, anything, on a daily basis. Even when I don't feel like it and words don't flow and I can't think of anything to write and what I do write sounds vacuous, boring, and dumb. You may wonder why I'm writing on a blog that people could read, if I don't actually want anyone to read it. The reason is simple. It's a little bit of accountability. If I was writing in a journal or notebook everyday, then no one could tell if I skipped a day. Just the possibility that someone may stumble across this blog someday and read it, makes me take it a bit more seriously and make a point of not skipping a day (and makes me feel silly when I do skip one day and find that I was trapped in a time warp and somehow skipped three days). Blogger puts the date and time stamp on it, so it keeps track of when I write. Anyway, it seems to be (mostly) working so far.
I took a walk around the block with Tim this evening. Of course he didn't walk, LOL I think he's incapable of going for a simple walk. :-) Too boring for Mr. Adrenaline Junkie. So he rode around on his snakeboard, which is kind of like a skateboard except it has only two wheels underneath, and has two platforms for his feet, which swivel around a central bar. Kind of hard to explain. But looks like fun. I love that he is creative and likes to be unusual and unique. He has absolutely no interest in being "normal", which is why we are so perfect for each other. We're both free spirits. :-)
I think I'll go take a nice soak in the tub. Maybe that will ease my sore neck, shoulder, and back muscles, along with the headache I've had all day. And if it doesn't ease them, at least it will distract me from the pain. :-) Distraction is almost as good as relief, I've found.

Day 21
I did some work on my files this morning (or rather, my boxes of paper waiting to be filed...) and made some headway, so that felt good.
This afternoon Tim and I went to the chiropractor, and I finally had my nutritional consultation with my chiropractor, and it was helpful. Apparently, from their assessment of the data in the questionnaire I filled out, it seems my primary problem is blood sugar balancing, followed closely by adrenal weakness (and those two are linked). It also appears my liver is toxic and not functioning properly. There were several supplements recommended, and she gave me copies of all the information so I can order the supplements from our own website if we have comparable ones, or if not we can buy them from the chiropractor's office.
Cleaning the kitchen a little and walking around the house a bit doing the organizing, then going to the chiropractor, wore me out. I'm going to have to start taking a little walk earlier in the day, since I'm too tired by the afternoon and evening. I'll try that tomorrow. I laid down for the rest of the evening when we got back from the chiropractor.

Hmmm what happened?
Day 20
I really thought I only skipped one day of writing on here. How did I miss three days? I guess that's what happens when you're ill and weak, taking a lot of naps and feeling "out of it" a lot. Thankfully I haven't had many headaches the last few days, and my joint pain is also quite a bit better. LOL Tim making me rest so much is turning out to be very good for me! Now I'm just tired and weak, and a little nauseous and bloated, and don't feel like eating much... but really, I feel quite a bit better than I did three and four days ago.
This morning I slept in (we had planned on going to church, but then I overslept and Tim had gotten up early and was working, in his home office, and didn't notice how late it was until it was TOO late. Ah well. I think the sleep really did me some good.

In the afternoon, we celebrated our first anniversary by taking a helicopter sightseeing tour! It was Tim's idea, and it was a lot of fun. We got lots of pictures, I'll have to post some later. The weather was perfect, the helicopter was VERY tiny and cute (we were very squished in there, just the two of us and the pilot! The pilot had me leave my purse at the airstrip office, since there seriously was not room in the copter for even my purse!) and the scenery was breathtaking! We saw a lot of the country landscape around the Skykomish river, which was so clear we could see the stones on the bottom! We saw amazing views of Wallace Falls, the pilot even swung around in a circle and came back for a second look, so we could get more pictures of it. Mount Index was amazing, a jagged spike of rock three thousand feet high. It was a very fun and memorable way to mark our anniversary. I laid down to rest for the rest of the afternoon after we got home.

Day Seventeen
Well, today seems like some kind of turning point, in a weird sort of way. I found information on a doctor who seems sound and like she's just what I was looking for in a doctor; skilled, experienced in the arena of endocrine disorders, and with more of a wholistic focus. I booked an appointment with her, but the soonest I can get in to see her is October 13. I'm on a waiting list in case of a cancellation, though. So I'm excited about that as it finally feels like I'm DOING something. Another good thing is I talked to my husband a lot about my suspicions of Addisons, and gave him some articles to read about it, and he agreed it's uncanny how my symptoms seem to fit the profile. He was very interested, and read several different articles, and then I let him read from a message board for people with Addisons, a thread where people were talking about what having an Addisonian crisis felt like, how it was triggered, and what it took to recover. I wanted him to be forewarned in case something happens to me, so he would know what to do, so he could recognize a crisis if he saw one and deal with it appropriately. As I explained to him, it appears the first thing to go is mental acuity, so if I was having a crisis I could not direct my care myself. He read everything I gave him to read, and more, and has been so concerned about me all day. He has been especially worried since my appetite has gone away and I haven't been eating much, and as he said, I look like death warmed over. He also called his mom, a nurse, and got her take on the situation. She agreed that Addison's may be a possibility given my background of weak adrenals, and though she's not an endocrinologist, she had lots of good common-sense suggestions which we took to heart. For one thing, she suggested I avoid drinking plain water, as it will dilute my electrolytes. Typically what the doctors do for a crisis, besides upping the prescription steroid meds, is pump you full of sugar water and saline. So, she said that if I make sure to drink fruit juice, sports drinks with salt, and tea, and not plain water, that should help. Also, she said that while I don't have much of an appetite, I should ignore any idea of dieting and eat anything that sounds good to me. (LOL except Tim teased me and said no Twinkies. As if I ever would eat a Twinkie!)
When Tim found out that one of the main drugs the Dr's prescribe for Addison's and Adrenal Insufficiency is hydrocortizone, he figured that it couldn't hurt to get some of the only kind available without a prescription... hydrocortizone anti-itch cream... and rub that on me. At first I kind of laughed it off, but then I figured, what could it hurt? So for my exercise, we rode our bikes together down to the corner drug store and got some. It's not very strong, all they had was HC 1%, but maybe it will help if I use enough of it. We also got some bath salts and an ice pack for my shoulder.
I also cancelled my usual Friday gig of working a facepainting booth at a local Farmer's Market. Tim is pretty worried about me and would rather not let me out of his sight until I have gotten my strength back. After working last Friday, I spent almost all day Saturday in bed, and that just seems silly and risky and unnecessary to him, especially since we really don't need the money. It feels very good to be taken care of and fussed over! Having grown up as the oldest in a large family, that is a pretty new experience for me. With all this love and care, I am sure I'll get better soon! :-)

Day Sixteen
I didn't see the chiro today. Turns out someone forgot to tell me about another step in the process... I have to bring the nutritional questionaire back so the receptionist can input all the data into a special computer program which analyzes it, then I can book an appt with the doc to go over the results. So anyway I turned the paperwork in so they can start crunching the data.
I rode my bike once around the block, and it made me feel weak and shaky and like I might pass out. So now I'm going to bed.

Day Fifteen
So much for this being a blog about living a more conscious life. It's turning into an illness diary. But what can I do? This is what my life is becoming. Today I took two Rhodiola 110 tablets in the morning (an herbal supplement which is great for boosting energy). The amount for a normal person to have plenty of energy is one tablet. After taking two, I felt a very wan, pale, weak version of normal, but at least I was able to function better than the last couple days.

Much of the day was spent online, doing research into various hormonal imbalances and their symptoms, along with many different questionaires, and treatment options, both conventional and natural/complementary. I am about 98% convinced that I have Addison's disease, coupled with some thyroid issues caused by the poor function of the adrenals. Add on the fact that my level of estrogen is much too high and progesterone, much too low (as diagnosed by a gynocologyst last spring) and yep, I'm a mess. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow, she's going to go over my nutritional analysis with me and give some suggestions on supplementation.

I called another endocrinologist today, this office was much more friendly and helpful, but they insist that I must first of all have a "new client consultation" with the doctor, where he will simply read my medical records, look at my prescriptions (I have none, as I told them), talk to me, and determine where we're at (grrr, there's that weird medical "we" as in "how are we doing today?") and let him decide what tests to order. So basically, just talking. For about half an hour. For $370. Yes I do have insurance but we have a high deductible, so I don't think this would be covered. And he doesn't deal with any kind of complementary or natural treatment at all, his treatment recommendations would be drug-based only. Grrr. I told the receptionist that I just want to get my hormones tested, I already have a pretty good idea of what might be going on, but nope, no way to cut the red tape.

So, I'm thinking I'm going to order a home test from a reputable lab. I checked out several different options, but this one seems to be from a good lab (talked about on several unrelated websites by doctors who have nothing to do with each other) and some of the specific doctors who recommend it have a complementary medicine practice in San Francisco and this is the lab that they use for their clients. (and I don't think they own it or anything, it seems to be independent) These doctors, Drs Karilee and Richard Shames, have written a book on hormone imbalances and how to correct them naturally and safely through diet, exercise, and supplementation. Their book, "Feeling Fat, Fuzzy, or Frazzled?" has over thirty very positive reviews on Amazon.com, so it seems they know what they're talking about. I'm going to order the book too. Anyway, it seems to be a very complete test package, including blood and saliva tests, and it tests adrenal, thyroid, and female sex hormones, along with checking for Vitamin D deficiency, for only about $250. This seems like a lot better idea than dropping over $100 more just to talk to a doctor for half an hour.

Anyway, as for exercise, today I did a little grocery shopping. And just walking around the grocery store a little completely wore me out, I was actually feeling dizzy and had to hang onto my cart to keep from stumbling around, and felt like I was going to pass out when I was leaving the store. I felt nauseous and my abdomen hurt and I kept my sunglasses on the whole time I was in there because it felt better... when I tried to take them off, the light felt too bright and made me more nauseous. It's a weird kind of nausea, not in my stomach but my lower abdomen, and it kind of feels like a cross between carsickness and menstrual cramps.

I did buy some good black licorice, and have been munching that all evening. It's Panda brand, an all-natural kind that has no refined sugars and actually contains real licorice extract. In my research today I kept reading that licorice is good for adrenal and autoimmune disorders, and I felt that it couldn't hurt. I've never liked the taste of black licorice before, but I'm developing a taste for this stuff. I actually think it's pretty good now. I didn't get it in capsule form because I already take mitfulls of pills morning and evening and will possibly be taking even more after talking to the chiropractor, and sometimes I feel nauseous when I take pills. This, I can eat when I'm craving sweets and it at least has benefit to it, more so than the dark chocolate and dried fruit I was eating for sugar cravings. And it even has a little salt in it which is good for low adrenals (especially since low adrenals is accompanied by low blood pressure). I also got some lemon Recharge, which is an all-natural unsweetened fruit juice with added electrolytes. (Like Gatorade, but without the sugar, artificial colors and flavors). I got Astragalus herbal extract too, which is widely recommended for adrenal insufficiency. I'm really looking forward to seeing my doctor (the chiropractor) tomorrow!

Day Fourteen
I walked down to my little neighborhood Thai restaurant for lunch. Or maybe I should say I dragged myself down there. I think I've been getting progressively worse for the past couple weeks or so. I've felt foggy-brained, weak and tired all day. I was in a lot of pain and had a headache when I woke up, but I went to see my chiropractor and she helped a lot with that. I felt much better afterward and even ran some errands and did a little shopping. When I was at the chiropractor, I picked up a nutritional assessment that they do, it's 300 questions to help pinpoint which systems of your body aren't functioning well, so they can recommend supplements and therapies to help the body heal and balance those areas. I'll bring it back in for a consultation the day after tomorrow.
Well that's enough for today.

Day Thirteen
I have felt very weak and poorly all day today. It was difficult to even marshal enough strength to get out of bed this morning. But I was determined to get to church on time, we've been travelling or late to church so much, and I really miss the worship singing time. I love to sing. I fried up some turkey sausage and we had that with the homemade blueberry turnovers for breakfast. It was very good.
For my exercise, I'm going to have to claim the couple blocks we walked to church. Tim parked a ways away since he found a spot and decided to leave any closer spots for the old or handicapped people or those with children. I didn't want to complain, so I didn't tell him how weak I was feeling and that my back and hips were hurting; and tried to make the best of things. It certainly was a beautifully sunny day. The singing was wonderful, I truly enjoyed it. After church, we visited with some friends of his and wandered around looking at the art displays, since the church art ministry was having an exhibit. There were many amazing pieces... several that I wished I could buy for our home.
We grabbed Jamba Juice for lunch on the way home from church, and then Tim has been working all afternoon and most of the evening (except for suppertime) and I've been in bed reading. I haven't really done anything all day yet I feel as weak and limp as a wrung-out dishrag. My head hurts from time to time and I feel nauseous and my back hurts too. There is so much I would love to get done around the house but I simply do not have the strength. My head feels fuzzy too, like my brain is in a fog... which would make it difficult to do much of anything creative, like writing. I have to find out what's wrong with me so I can get well. I just can't live like this. There is so much I want to do and learn! I want to be able to live life to the fullest again!

This afternoon I walked down to Starbucks for a cold drink. I was pretty funny how customized it had to be... "Grande iced soy sugar-free caramel latte". Seattle is rubbing off on me. I am not even a regular coffee drinker, but there I go ordering fancy sentence-long coffee drinks.
I enjoyed the walk, even though the coffee wasn't all that good. Too bitter, even after I added extra Splenda. I really prefer Tully's coffee. A couple local coffee houses are really good too. But, Starbucks is the closest and my back was hurting so I didn't want to push myself too much.
I had a nice quiet day. Tim and I got some "UV-therapy" in the back yard, it was nice and hot and it felt good to lay in the sun for a little while. Other than that, Tim's been working most of the day. I made blueberry waffles for breakfast, and blueberry turnovers to have for breakfast tomorrow.
I got a half flat of blueberries at the Farmer's market yesterday, and then after the market was closed the berry vendor gave me another half flat free, since she had some left over and they're very perishable. I'm going to freeze a lot for winter, but we only have our small fridge freezer... so I'd better use up as many as possible while they're fresh!
P.S. tomorrow... actually today since it's after midnight now... is our one-year wedding anniversary! Hooray! I've been married to my soulmate, the love of my life, for a whole year now!

Day Eleven
I drove up to Mukilteo to have lunch with Tim today... that was a special treat. We even found a cute little Thai restaurant, which I was grateful for because I've been craving Pad See Ewe for a couple days... it's my favorite Thai noodle dish.
I worked all afternoon and evening at the Farmer's Market, running my face painting and body art booth. It was very hot and dead slow for the first three hours of the market, then things picked up when things cooled off in the evening and the last hour or so was moderately busy. I did some face painting, several Glitter Tattoos, and a couple of Hennas. I'd printed up some flyers with my birthday party packages, and I gave out all ten that I'd printed up.
Tim came after closing time to help me pack up my booth and load the car, which was nice. :-) Then we went out for Sushi for dinner. Well, I ate sushi anyway. He wasn't hungry because he had leftover meatloaf at home before coming to help me.
I was exhausted and stiff and sore when I got back home, but I still made myself at least ride my bike around the block. And now it's after midnight and I'm off to bed!

Day Ten
This evening I rode my bike to Starbucks again and read my book there for a while. I finished "That Hideous Strength" today (it definitely got more exciting and was really a fascinating book, all in all... I truly enjoyed it!) and am now working on finishing "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson. I'm currently in the middle of about four books, and I've decided I need to clean up my reading habits and finish up some of these books I've been picking at for a long time, before I allow myself to start anything new.
When I go to Starbucks to read, I typically get a cup of tea ("tall" size, only one teabag) and enjoy it with three English tea biscuits I bring along in a little tin in my purse. I was happy to find real English Wheatmeal Digestive Biscuits in the Ethnic Foods section at the grocery store. LOL for some reason I had never really thought of English, Scottish, and Irish foods as being "Ethnic". But I guess that's just because that's my ethnicity, so it doesn't really feel at all "exotic" to me. I bring my own cookies (or "biscuits") because if I didn't, I'd be tempted to buy their way overpriced treats. These cookies are just as good and I can get a whole big package of them, imported from England, for four dollars.
I had a Tazo African Red Bush tea today, it was quite good. I've also enjoyed the Passion herbal tea and Zen green tea. I wasn't really impressed by the Berry Blossom White tea. I guess I was expecting something more like Celestial Seasonings Wild Berry Zinger, or at least like a regular Jasmine tea. It was very bland. Actually it tasted to me like hot water. I tried putting honey in it... and then it tasted like hot water with honey. Maybe I didn't let it steep long enough. I'm pretty sure I left it for a few minutes at least, though. Ah well.

Day Nine
I'm exhausted and out of sorts and grumpy. Three laps around the block and off to bed I go.

Day eight
Today I walked around in a cute little shopping area with my friend Sarah for a couple hours. And I'm counting that for exercise because it completely wore me out. It's been a pretty bad day, as far as my health is concerned. But a good day because I could just rest and didn't "have" to do anything. I've felt weird nonspecific nausea-type pain in my abdomen much of the day, and just generally feeling weak, rather like a limp, wrung-out dishcloth. I called around to a few doctors, but no success getting an appointment or even much information so far. It's rather overwhelming, not knowing where to turn. I saw my chiropractor this evening, and she told me one of the massage therapists who work in their practice went to a holistic MD who helped her a lot, when she was dealing with some similar issues. She'll call me back with the Dr.'s info tomorrow.

One week done!

Day Seven
It really feels good to say no to my excuses and push myself to do what's right. I had a fun day shopping with my friend Sarah (got some gorgeous black leather tall boots!) but after being out all day, I was just wanting to curl up with a book and relax... but I made myself bike down to Starbucks (in the dark) and curl up there with my book. I'm reading That Hideous Strength by C. S. Lewis. It's the last of his Space Trilogy. The first two, Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra, were charming and inspiring and gave me all kinds of great ideas for my own writing... but this one has been more difficult to get into. But I'm making myself finish it. It must get good at some point... after all, it's by C. S. Lewis, my favorite author! Well, I'd better finish my writing assignment now... it's way past due and I need to send it to my instructor tomorrow.

Day 6
Well, today my beloved little sister S'anna (age 17) and my brother Daniel (age 13) drove back to Mom and Dad's house in northern Idaho, so Tim and I have our peace and quiet back. :-) We did have a great visit though.
We overslept this morning and missed church, which was disappointing since we also missed it last week since we were driving back home from north Idaho, where I was working at the county fair near my parent's house. I've painted faces there for 10 years, but this year was the last, we decided, it just isn't financially worth it to drive all the way out there. S'anna is definitely capable of doing the fair on her own now, since she's been training her friend Liz to help her.
Tim and I rode bikes together to the bank to make a couple deposits, that was fun getting to ride with him. :-)
I haven't felt very good for much of today, so I'd better head to bed early. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, I'm meeting my dear friend Sarah for lunch and then we're going shopping.

Day 5
I'm going to call a doctor next week and get an appointment. There is something wrong, and I need to know what I'm dealing with so I can figure out how to get better. As far as my health, today was a pretty bad day. I've felt like I was going around in a mental fog all day, and nauseous for no reason and a migraine in the morning, until the ibuprofen kicked in. And before you as, NO I'M NOT PREGNANT. Sheesh, it's like once you get married, you're not allowed to be sick anymore. Whenever I mention any kind of symptom whatsoever, people ask me if I'm pregnant. Not that I wouldn't like to be, I just know for a fact that I'm not.
But anyway, in spite of the fact that I got pretty much nothing done all day (except spend some good quality time with S'anna and Daniel), I still feel good... because I ignored my excuses and made myself walk to the grocery store instead of drive, when I needed to pick up a couple items. And Daniel and S'anna came too, which made it more fun and also helped a lot as I made them carry the heavy items I purchased. :-) I was very tired and had to lay down when I got back (and it's only 4 or 5 blocks to the store!) but it was still good to challenge myself and make myself do something I didn't feel like doing.
I wanted to do something fun with "the kids" (they hate it when I call them that) but was feeling so rotten it was hard to think of something that would be fun. First I was going to take them to the zoo, but was having a hard time staying focused and getting ready to go, and wasn't looking forward to all the walking. So eventually we just decided to go swimming at the YMCA, but when we finally got everything together and drove down there, it was closed for annual maintenance. So, we went to a local coffee shop and they each had a gourmet hot chocolate with a flavor shot, and I had my favorite coconut bubble tea. We came back to the house and built a blanket fort and watched Mulan inside it, on S'anna's laptop. :-)

oops

In spite of working all day yesterday at the farmer's market, I did indeed ride my bike... three times around the block, in the dark, after I got back from a full day's work... but I got distracted and forgot to write my blog post before I went to bed.

New Horizons in Face Painting

Day Three
Well, I didn't ride my bike today... but I did walk six blocks, so I'm counting that. I facilitated a face paint workshop today, taught by the great Pashur the Bodypainter, at Fremont Abbey Art Center in Seattle. So I had to be there at the crack of 9:30 to help set up tables and chairs, and had to stay to clean up the room and put all the tables and chairs away and turn out the lights at about 8:30 at night. And then we got lost when I tried to take S'anna and Daniel to see the Fremont Troll and I missed my exit and ended up somewhere in Queen Anne, and got myself all mixed up and frustrated and had to call my dearest Tim to talk us back into familiar territory. The troll was cool though, I'd never stopped for a good look, just seen it once, driving past.
But anyway, the face painting workshop was incredible, I learned SO much and have definitely been challenged to push myself to the next level. When Pashur reviewed my portfolio, he pointed out something I've never really noticed... my repertoire is all very "Snazaroo". Serviceable, simple, good designs to paint on kids in 3-5 minutes. But not much that would attract adults to hire me for more premium gigs and pay the big bucks. But as he (Pashur) pointed out to me, when I work on it, I can do some great stuff... He really liked the asymmetrical fantasy mardi gras mask I did on myself in the exercise he led us through at the end of the class (photo above) but I need to slow down and consistently put in the extra effort to make my designs more "polished" and "wow". So I'll be working on that. I'll also be working on moving away from the cartoony style I've been mostly following for most of my career, and trying to move more toward the realistic/fantasy type style I really in my heart prefer, and which would be much more "me" and a lot more wow factor. I need to hone my style a lot, so I need to make a point of painting for practice more often, and I think specifically I need to paint without a book more often. Painting without a book allows me to be more imaginative and "outside the box", and is also more challenging.

Day 2
I did it! I rode my bike to The Lyon's Den coffee shoppe in downtown Bothell, to meet my dear friend Gaila for coffee. This was a more ambitious ride (for me at least) with lots of hills. I did lose one of my favorite sweatshirts though. It was cool outside starting out, but of course after one hill I was getting very warm, so I took it off and draped it over my messenger bag/purse I had slung over my back. I thought it was on there pretty securely but nope, must have fallen off somewhere. I looked for it on the way back but it was gone without a trace. Ah well, such is life. Nothing lasts forever except God, His Word, and the souls of People.
I did have a lovely visit with Gaila, she is a delightful and fun person to be around, she really encourages me in my spiritual walk, and we had a great heart to heart chat. Plus I had coconut bubble tea, which is my favorite. :-)
This evening my sister S'anna (age 17) and brother Daniel (age 13) arrived from Idaho for a visit, so we walked down to a pizza place to pick up pizza for dinner. LOL both of them are in nearly perfect health but they complained about having to walk a few blocks! Kids these days. I certainly do like walking and biking more than driving. Somehow it's more relaxing, like it's a way to get off the mad merry-go-round of modern adult life and move at the slower pace of my childhood, when I had plenty of time to ride my bike around the neighborhood and explore and have fun. That's why I enjoy biking so much. As a kid, a bike was freedom. You could go wherever you wanted, under your own power, the wind in your face... for once, you got to be in the driver's seat. It was such an amazing feeling. That's how I still feel when I ride a bike. And that's why I refuse to be like the "grown-up" cycling enthusiasts who wear spandex racing gear. I ride a bike to feel like a kid again, not so I can find one more way to compete with other people. LOL speaking of cycling enthusiasts, here's a youtube video someone sent me recently when I mentioned how I am getting back into biking.

100 Days of Conscious Living

Day 1
Is it just me, or do many people tend to live in survival mode? Going through the motions, putting out fires, moving day to day through a crazy long to-do list, and rarely actually stopping to think about where they are going in life, what they actually want to do, stopping to listen to the songbirds and smell the roses and talk to God?
This has been my life for a long time. I have been a high-strung person who made impossible to-do lists for herself every day, and then felt like a failure when I did not live up to my own expectations of myself. Part of the reason for this is likely my upbringing... as the oldest in a family of ten children, there was always more that needed doing than there was time in which to do it. My mother (whom I love and admire deeply) is a very hard worker, rarely taking time for herself, and I have been following her example and feeling guilty whenever I wasn't "accomplishing something" or "being useful".
However, this way of living life has not worked out well for me. Upon reflection, I have realized that putting myself under stress like this has worn me out and my health has suffered. In fact I am dealing with some fairly serious health issues (as yet undiagnosed) right now.
Thankfully, my dear husband of almost one year (our first anniversary is coming up on September 13th!), Tim, keeps telling me that my number one job is to take care of myself. Nothing else that I might have on my to-do list is as important to him as my long-term health. He loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy for many many years to come! In fact, when I began having health problems, he even told me that from now on, me working is optional, I can be a stay-at-home wife with his total blessing. This means a lot to me as I tend to have the habit, probably from my upbringing, of feeling like I need someone's permission to rest or do things I enjoy. But Tim has given blanket permission, saying I must only work when I am feeling up to it. I am very grateful that he has been under some awesome mentorship by some older men with excellent marriages, and their advice was to base our finances solely on his income when we got married, so that my income was optional. This has been a lifesaver.
The funny thing is that even though I have had this "permission" for nearly nine months, I have still been finding ways to manufacture stress for myself, simply out of habit. Possibly my health problems have been contributing to this, imbalances in my body creating chemically-induced stress. But I've had enough. I need to force myself to slow down, rest, fill my life with joy, refocus on putting Christ at the center of my life, and allow my body and mind to heal. I have had enough with setting myself a to-do list that is impossible for one person to accomplish in one day, then feeling like a failure for not accomplishing it by that night, falling into bed exhausted and worn out, sleeping 10-12 hours, and waking more tired than when I went to bed, going around all day fighting headache and nausea and mental fog from my mysterious illness, trying to force myself to live up to my own expectations and get things done, and once again failing, going to bed depressed... and repeating the same cycle over and over.
For the next 100 days, I am going to make a point of stopping, taking a deep breath, and living more consciously. No more autopilot, no more survival mode. I will be taking time to do 2 specific things I enjoy, every single day. These are things I know are genuinely healing and good for me. Namely: I will ride my bike or take a walk, and I will write something, every single day. I am purposely not specifying how long I will bike or walk, or how long I must write. I want my goals to be easy to reach, so I will have the satisfaction of success. It's more important to build these healthy habits, than it is to accomplish something in the short term. I have been reading the book "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson recently, and it points out that our small habits over the long term are what make or break us. Eating a donut for breakfast once won't kill you. But if it becomes a daily habit, compounded over time, it could kill you. Going for a walk once will probably not make you feel much better. But if you make it a daily habit, it will result in greater health and quality of life. Our lives are full of little things, small decisions, that don't seem to make much difference... but they determine if the "slight edge" is working for us or against us. These habits tell us if our life or marriage or health are becoming better, or becoming worse. There are so many healthy, beneficial things that are easy to do... but also easy not to do. So, for the next 100 days, I will focus on building the slight edge habits of daily exercise, and daily writing. Why the writing? Because my long-term goal is to be a published writer. I'm working on a fantasy novel. But that's a huge goal which is rather overwhelming. Getting into the habit of writing a little every day, will make me a better writer and also help me reach the larger goal of finishing my novel.
So, today I rode my bike to the bank instead of driving. Not a long bike ride... the bank is only about five minutes away. But I did it. I could have made excuses, such as I was feeling tired and ill, and it looked like it would rain any minute. But, I did it anyway. That felt very good. And, I wrote this blog post.
Day one - goals completed successfully. :-)